Mandy Morello visits the home of The Honest Burger and leaves with the taste of semen in her mouth.

Honest Burgers are straight-to-the-point no messing around with their menu. There are only burgers to choose from so they must be good.

I’m currently sat in the King’s Cross branch and it seems I’ve got here at the right time on a Friday evening (8ish). As I sit down, a herd of hungry travellers spill in from the station with their luggage. They groan and rub their stomachs in the corner while they wait for a table and I take my sweet time ordering.

Every week Honest Burgers have different specials. The main choices include chicken, beef, a signature Honest burger, and a veggie patty. Seven burgers in total excluding the specials with nothing more but sides to choose from. I opt for one on the chalkboard – the smokey bacon. The waitress hums in agreement.

There’s a good choice of beer. Selections from Beavertown, Paulaner and Einstök line the bar, making the perfect accompaniment to a juicy burger. I choose the Paulaner Munich ‘Hells’ Lager which soothes my appetite while I wait for my food.

It comes sat neatly on custom greaseproof paper in the obligatory white bowls with blue rims. It’s like all the restaurants in London buy from the same crockery shop. After a quick bite I notice that my burger contains no bacon. This has guacamole? I know this is not the fault of my rumbling pirate accent because the waitress repeated smokey bacon at me when I ordered. I’m too hungry to change now.

This is the Special burger and its gooey texture is what gives it away. It’s slathered in guacamole. If it was horrid I would think about sending it back but it’s quite delectable. The bun is so soft and bouncy I could place it on the wooden bench and use it as a cushion. All the burgers come medium rare unless you request otherwise… though I wouldn’t take my chances. The meat is taut and with a nice shade of nipple pink, completely oozing with burger squelch. I’m at my most silent during this sitting.

However, what lets this meal down is the chips. They are ghastly. Chips are my biggest love and I can’t even force myself to finish these ones. They’re caped in rosemary salt which makes them taste like dry spunk. And while I’m in potato hell I notice that our paprika onion rings haven’t arrived so I ask a flustered waiter. He promptly brings them though they are extremely inedible because they’re piping hot.

This place is chaos. I begin to wonder whether I should warn the ever-patient crowd who are still waiting to be seated. Is a beautiful burger worth the wait? Instead of advising them, I moved to the bar to finish my drink allowing one of the travellers to take my space. It feels at this point like I’m in a fancy soup kitchen.

I receive the bill that lists the guacamole burger as the same price as the one I ordered – £11.50. Good, I’m not planning on paying for their mistakes. The burger was really nice despite it not being what I asked for, though I would seriously consider changing those fries. I would come again but during the day when it’s not so busy. Maybe that would be at a pace more manageable for the staff. They may have a simple, sincere menu, but there was a lot of messing around with my order at this branch of Honest Burgers.

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