Valentine’s Day Wank Bank 2017

February 2, 2017

Ah Valentine’s day. The day when couples think it’s acceptable to go over the top on PDA or my personal favourite WDA (written displays of affection) on social media. In reality, we should all be stripping down naked, grabbing whips and spanking each other in hopes of increasing fertility. Grab the tissues, this is what The Carouser is boning over this Valentine’s Day.

Booze: Naturally, when it comes to this time, we reach for the whiskey. Not because we’re sad or anything, but because you’re supposed to spend the day with someone you love, right? Well meet Old Punk Whiskey- she’s a beauty. This whiskey is aged in American oak and flavoured with pumpkin, ginger, nutmeg and allspice. It’s part of Corsair’s experimental range, and is too good to give away. £50.95 via Whiskey Exchange

Voodoo Doll: Valentine’s Day is traced back to a pagan celebration called Lupercalia, later pegged by the church as the legend of St Valentine. What many don’t know is that this date actually celebrates the brutal death of St Valentine. He was beaten and then beheaded – so romantic. To remind us of this association with Valentine’s true meaning, A Curious Invitation are selling personalised voodoo dolls to “hex your ex”. Now, you know what to do if you’re spending the night alone. We’re not judging. £19.95 via Hex Your Ex

Hip-flask: In all my hip-flask drinking days, I have never seen one as beautiful as this alchemist potion bottle flask. The coffin engraving and the sculpted, silver skull make this more than just your average flask- it’s a statement. But I wouldn’t take this baby out, I’d keep it at home all to myself… and never let it out of my sight… just to make sure it doesn’t leave me… PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.  £52.99 via Attitude
West End Show: If you’re after a bit of flesh, The Black Cat Cabaret are putting on a Valentine’s Day special burlesque show on the 14th of February. The show Salon des Artistes is a performance of comic song, live music and burlesque inspired by the golden era of Parisian cabaret culture. Who fancies buying me dinner and a show? £35 via Eventbrite

Valentines Guide Tee: And of course, we had to include the perfect attire for the day. This one, I think, says it all in one sentence. £16.99 via Shot Dead In The Head

Events: If your not alone like us miserable bastards, then no night would be complete without Marvin Gaye. The Jazz Cafe in Camden is hosting A Night Of Marvin Gaye on Tuesday 14th February at 7pm. £10 via Jazz Cafe

Music: The man behind the rock band RATT, Stephen Pearcy has just released his fourth solo album Smash. The record was mixed and mastered by Beau Hill as well as Pearcy and the bassist Matt Thorne. The dirty rock ‘n’ roll on this album is perfect for getting into the Vally-Day mood. Couples listen to “Summers End” and singles, listen to “Lollipop”. £11.81 via Amazon

Got some better ideas for Valentine’s Day? Let us know in the comments below. Happy fucking Valentine’s from The Carouser.


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